It’s very tough for me to tell you this, but I have failed my CFA exam twice…can you believe it? Every time when I say it, I have to add a question mark: “can you believe it?” Because I still cannot. I cannot believe I failed an exam twice.
CFA stands for “Chartered Financial Analyst”, something that only the financial world knows and cares. Unfortunately I need to get it if I want a grand future for myself. It has 3 levels, offered every June. So it means three springs of your life is contributed towards studying, if you are lucky enough to finish them in three years.
I passed the first two levels with flying colors. Of course, I am Juanjuan, I am good at nothing but exams. It was the only bargain chip I had for my parents’ attention. I was usually the best student in the class. I graduated manga cum laude from Wellesley. I got a perfect GPA in Umass…etc. etc. etc. blah…
So when I failed the Level 3 exam in June’08, it was unbearable, impossible, unthinkable. I just didn’t entertain the possibility of not passing. I remember that I stared at the computer screen and felt the temperature of my body shooting up and blood rushing to my brain. I felt so ashamed. I froze. Everyone must be watching me, my boss, my boss’ boss, my co-workers, the admins, everyone must have heard that I was so stupid, I failed the CFA exam. I closed my office door and just collapsed on my desk.
Half an hour later, I went to my boss’ office, closed the door. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him, and then I cried like a baby. It must be so strange for my boss, now that I think of it, to see this usually indestructible Chinese woman weeping for an exam.
The next couple of days I walked around with lowered head, afraid that everyone must be laughing at me. Then days went by, and everything was as usual. Oh my god I realized that failing an exam is not the end of the world.
Gradually I found a perfect excuse for myself — I was going through a divorce and even worse I was so deeply in depression. My mind was a mush for the majority of that year, how could I pass the exam?
The next year I devoted my January to May to studying. I thought there would be no way I fail again. Because I already knew the material well, and how could a smart person like me not pass the exam when the passing rate is almost 50%? That’d put my IQ below average. It just couldn’t happen. And I wasn’t depressed any more.
And then of course my taking the exam lightly was punished. It showed that my IQ was below room temperature. I couldn’t even describe what I felt when I knew I FAILED AGAIN.
I cannot believe it, still cannot. I am so paranoid. Maybe I just cannot pass it forever. No matter how much I study. I am getting older and my memory is not as good., etc.
But one positive realization that has come out of this is that your life is not complete if you never failed. And as if life wanted to teach me this lesson in a hard way, it failed me twice. Well, I guess at least my skin is thicker now.
But I have to pass it this time, I have to, I need to and I must.