Back in China, sitting in Spring’s fashion shop in Zhenze. Several women are inquiring about the shoes and bags displayed along the wall in abnoxiously loud voices. Spring explains softly. This newly opened shop she had invested all her savings in depends on these wives of newly enriched businessmen in the town, she told me earlier.
It’s rainy and humid. Time goes by extra slowly here. Amid the deafening noise of motorcycles and cars zooming by outside, I decide to write.
It’s September 2009, almost two years after the trip I made to China in October 2007. At that time it was just after I realized my marriage was over. It was so excruciatingly painful and unacceptable to me that I wasn’t myself at all when I went around China like a walking corpse. When I finished the two weeks’ business meetings and went back to the village, I hid my pain and smiled. Of course I’d never tell my family anything unpleasant or disappointing. How is Ethan, my mother asked. Fine, I said. At night I lied on the bed my parents had it made when we got married, listened to the boats honking on the canal, all I could think was—I am all alone in this world.
Now almost all wounds have healed; old memories have faded. I have just turned thirty-five, and I have never felt better before. Time is the fairest thing in the world. It adds wrinkles to your face but also increaes the wisdom in your brain.
On this trip I attended a business conference held in the Beijing Grant Hyatt before I returned to the village. Through the “Commercially Important Person” lane I was led out of the airport to the limo sent by Grant Hyatt. It was pleasant of course not having to fight with the highly energetic Chinese everywhere. During the three days in the hotel I rarely steped outside. I didn’t even have the desire to check out the famous bars in Beijing. Due to jetlag I often woke up at two o’clock in the morning. I pulled the heavy curtains aside. When I saw the Beijing old-styled tiled roof next to morden buildings illuminated by streetlights, I felt very calm and content. I ordered coffee, turned on my computer and started to work till six, and then I went to the gym. One night at three o’clock I was the only person in the hotel’s cafeteria. I felt like a stranger but also a guest who knew the place well. I can go on like forever, I actually thought to myself.
Spring and Tiantian picked me up at the airport when I flew home from Beijing. I kneed down to Tiantian, my sweetheart nephew, and asked: “do you still remember me, your Auntie?” He nodded his head shyly. He is now six, tall, and shy. He would have run to me and jumped to me before. I felt a bit lost. I turned and saw another person next to them who I would never expect, Spring’s ex-husband. He smiled and called me older sister. Why is he here, I wondered.
My mother was all smiles when she saw me. You gained weight, she said to me and seemed happy that I don’t look scary thin any more. As soon as I sat down at the table, she brought dinner. “Here is chicken with chestnut, your favoriate, and here is some green veggie, I planted myself.” I looked at her and felt a little guilty. I was so not looking forward to coming back. I am so afraid of her asking me about my personal life.
“If you see someone good, you should consider to date.” Sure, after dinner, she started to check out my personal status. My father sat next and listened carefully too. “Mama, don’t rush me, I want to find someone good this time. It takes time.”I said patiently with smiles. “It’s been almost two years. I think of your problem constantly and just cannot be happy about it. You are almost fourty.” She sighed. “Ma, I am only thirty-five!” I protested.
“You sister told us you are publishing a book. Has it been out?” She seemed to remember it all of the sudden, sat up and asked me. I was surprised about the level of interest she showed. I thought she wouldn’t even know what is publishing a book about.
I took the book out and showed to her and my father.
“Read it to us. Did you write about the time when you were young?”
“I cannot, Mama. It is in English.” I really didn’t feel like telling them about the book.
“Well, translate it and read in Chinese,” She insisted. My father perked up his ears.
I had a hard time refusing them, after all it’s a book about them as well.
I opened the book, picked out the sentences that were about facts but not feelings, and I started to read. “We were very poor, my parents are peasants working on the fields…” I finished my childhood in ten sentences. I skipped the part my father beating me with a broom and my mother telling me to jump in the river. I didn’t mention I felt neglected. I just said: “My mother liked my sister much more than me.” She laughed lightly as if I was just joking.
“Have you made any money with the book?” Of course the next thing she cared about is money.
“Not really, it has just been out for two months, and most books don’t make money.” I am being honest.
“It is a scam, the book publishing. I know it!” My father immediately swore. My mother rolled her eyes on him. I sighed. In my father’s eyes everything in this world is a scam.
I am supposed to be vacation for a week. It’s only the second day. It feels so long already.